I’ve got a soft spot for people who want to publish their book and actually do it. “Hot Women, Cool Solutions” is a new collection of Mind/Body techniques for controlling symptoms of the menopause. It’s launch day today and Pat Duckworth has put together a lot of bonus material for people who join her list or want to find out more.

Hop over there and take a look

I love to hear from people who are finding the book useful. Here’s a couple of comments from recent emails:

I have bought your book on Kindle and have started already. Absolutely spot on for me so far. In answering the questions posed in Part 2 – Making Your First Decision, I must confess to being moved to tears.

I feel your book has appeared to me at exactly the right time, thank you.

And this…

I am finding your book very helpful. The ‘ask yourself “What do I want instead?”‘ ‘ idea was worth the price of the book alone.

You can get yours here:

Order Now: Amazon.co.uk

Order Now: Amazon.com

ecatoncheires via Compfight

This time of year sees the internet light up with advice on goals for the New Year. It’s exciting and encouraging to see so many people willing to share their thoughts and determined to change their lives. But it’s not the whole picture.

You see there’s a problem. Why, with so many books and guidance on goal setting, do so few people do it? With so much evidence that having firm goals can change your life for the better, why is there so little of it?

If there is something not done in your life or career it’s because you have one of two problems:

1. You know what you want but need a tool, technique, mindset or new approach to make it happen.
2. Or you don’t know what you want.

If you have the first problem you might well be an enthusiastic goal setter. You know what you want so your focus is all about getting and keeping going. You’ll consume sites full of advice and information for helping you achieve the changes you want.

If you have the second problem though, you’re stuck. You can’t get going because you don’t really know what you should be going for. In my experience this is a widespread problem. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that 95% of the people I meet cannot say clearly what they want to happen in the next meeting let alone this year.

All the evidence shows that people who know what they want are more likely to get what they want. After all, if you don’t know what you want, you will end up working for someone who does. Without your own agenda you will spend the best part of your energy delivering someone else’s agenda.

What also seems true is people who do manage to know what they want possess a kind of ‘inner compass’ allowing them to make decisions and change their circumstances to move nearer to it.

But what if you don’t know what you want or not enough to commit to any particular direction? When it comes to decisions your inner compass spins aimlessly. What else can you do?

Here’s a suggestion.

Hitch A Ride On Your Metaphor

Sometimes your inner compass wants to play hide and seek. It squirrels itself away somewhere cosy and to find it you’re going to have to sneak up from a new direction.

You can start by paying close attention to what you tell yourself, inside, and others, outside, about your situation.

You might say things like:

• I’m stuck
• I can’t see the way forward
• I feel all tangled up
• I’m conflicted
• I’ve got too many choices

Pay attention to this inner and outer talk. It is a real help to write the exact words down so you can see them, for words are magic and your description of the problem contains the solution. Consider the way you describe the problem and look for an equivalent metaphor. Like this:

If you cannot see the way forward then start cleaning windows, polish your monitor screen, clean your glasses and get your car windows crystal clear. Your car is powerful symbol of forward motion and the inside of the front windscreen rarely gets the attention it deserves.

If stuck then find other stuck things — hinges, drawers , etc., and oil them. Look around your life for things which are not yet in their final home. Move them to where they belong. Finish lots of those little jobs which you haven’t got around to for a while. It’s astonishing how often “I’m stuck” is a literal description of what I’m doing with my body — sat still, holding my breath, staring at a screen.

If you feel your life is a mess then find something to tidy. Recycle stuff, empty that drawer in the kitchen (you know the one). Clean it and put it back straight.

All tangled up? Look for other tangled things and untangle them. Weeding works very well here. Carrying old baggage from the past? Clean out the loft and garage — get rid of the old baggage from the past.

With a bit of imagination you can find a symbol to stand in for your situation. Work on the metaphor until it’s done then go back to the problem with fresh eyes.

Rebecca was a new mum facing a radical change in direction. Her partner had got a new job and it was going to give them less money but the chance to move out of the city. She not only wanted part-time work in the new location but to start on her long held dream of writing and illustrating children’s books. For the moment she was back at work but in the midst of all the upheaval she found herself temporarily the main breadwinner, torn between economic necessity and a burning desire to let her creative side loose.

We talked for a while about all of this and then I asked her to describe what she was wearing. She gestured to her dress. “This is my Greek Granny outfit.” She was in severe black dress, tight around the neck and stiff looking shoes. “Are those your true colours?” I asked. Talking about the contrast between her “true colours” and what she was wearing enabled us to unpick a bit more about her true feelings.

Sometimes your outside signals what’s going on inside. Sometimes the way you describe your situation contains all you need to know about how to resolve it. Rebecca had started unconsciously dressing for a funeral, hiding her true colours. On the surface she was excited by the challenges facing her but her unconscious was frantically signalling in the mirror that all was not well.

So have fun playing with your metaphors and let me know in the comments if it helps you. As to why this works — it’s nothing spooky or spiritual, it’s our old friends inertia and momentum.

Things stuck have a tendency to remain stuck (Inertia). Things moving have a tendency to remain moving (Momentum). Working with your metaphors helps you get from Inertia to Momentum without frightening your inner compass away. Once you are moving it’s much easier for your internal guidance system to whisper directions.

1. The best way to get great ideas is to get lots of ideas and throw the bad ones away.
2. Create ideas that are fifteen minutes ahead of their time not light years away.
3. Always look for a second right answer.
4. If at first you don’t succeed … take a break.
5. Write down your ideas before you forget them.
6. If everyone says you are wrong, you’re one step ahead. If everyone laughs at you , you’re two steps ahead.
7. The answer to your problem ‘pre-exists’. You need to ask the right question to reveal the answer.
8. When you ask a dumb question, you get a smart answer.
9. Never solve a problem from its original perspective.
10. Visualise your problem before solving it.

Matthias Werner via Compfight

First one comes on Jan 1st. Be sure to follow Twitter or the Facebook page to receive them all.

I’ll post them all here when we’ve finished.

Of course, you could always get the book for complete inspiration:

Order Now: Amazon.co.uk

Order Now: Amazon.com

Here’s a link to my article last year on finding your mission in life. Grab the PDF by going to the last link on the page.

Your Mission In Life

Hmm. What did I love this year?

Here in the UK it’s a few days until Christmas. Most people will finish on Friday 21st December and not return to work for a while. After Christmas comes January and a rash of articles musing on resolutions for the New Year.

Before all this hits you, can I recommend you spend some of your break time mulling over how things were in 2012 with one question in mind – what did you love this year?

Not what was OK or what you liked but what did you love? What brought you pleasure in 2012? Even the little things – a great conversation, a meeting which went well, something you made or achieved, someone you spent time with?

Among my (many) bad habits, I’ve noticed a tendency to wait until things get bad before changing them rather than making a positive choice to enjoy something better. This shows up in all sorts of ways – leaving my hair until it gets untidy before having a cut, waiting for my car to need cleaning instead of keeping it shiny and probably the most corrosive of all – putting up with far too many boring things instead of doing something else.

This habit of using discomfort to provoke a change is typical of someone with a strong “Away From” motivation. I’m motivated by moving away from unpleasantness instead of “Towards” pleasure. But here’s the real kicker. In a life where not very much is unpleasant enough to trigger movement, I can end up with lots of mediocre things hanging around for too long before I do something about them.

When you’re motivated by pain but live a pain-free life you can end up a bit stuck. You end up with a high tolerance for what is nothing more than OK. Which means a lot of time having mediocre experiences instead of great ones.

I’ve given up worrying about this or trying to change it. Simply being aware of this habit leads me to our question for today.

What did you love in 2012?

If you would like a great year in 2013 one place you could start is by doing more of what brought you pleasure in 2012. Here are some things on my list, what’s on yours?

• Walking in the sunshine
• Drawing
• The joy of being ultra well rehearsed for a talk which went brilliantly
• Writing
• Working with other creative people
• Spending time with my kids

Musing on a list like this leads me to two conclusions:

1. I didn’t spend as much time as I could have on each thing. More time would have meant more pleasure.
2. If I overdid some of these things they would stop bringing me pleasure. For example, although I would love to have spent more time drawing in 2012, too much would not be good.

You also need another list though – the mediocre list. This is a list of all the things neither too bad to change nor so good you want to do more of them.

What was mediocre or OK in 2012?

This is a list of lukewarm stuff. They are neither hot nor cold. And like a lukewarm bath, it’s not cold enough to leap out of nor hot enough to want it again. This is where you find the silt slowly building up to choke your river until one day you wake up and wonder “How the heck did I get here? Why not use 2013 to wake up now?

So now we have the beginning of what I want more of in 2013. Pick what brings pleasure and do them to the maximum point – not too little and not too much. Now when I’m thinking about ‘resolutions’ for the New Year I’m not thinking about things I’ve got to force on myself but things I’m looking forward to. And there’s a thought which warms my heart in the depth of winter.

For more on following your joy and how a Polar Bear can help see Part 4 – Step 12 in the book (from page 143). Get yours here:

Order Now: Amazon.co.uk

Order Now: Amazon.com